The Fight of My Life.
**Before I get to the main blog I want to say this is a very personal blog that I wasn't sure I would ever publish. I thought that if I ever did, it would need to be the right time. In light of the current situation in our world, I feel that now might be the right time. I also want to say that this blog deals with my battle with depression, and that might be a trigger for some. If you feel it might be upsetting to you, please stop reading. Take care of yourself both physically and mentally, and know that there is help only a phone call away.**
It's a silent disease. People you know have it and you may be unaware. You do not always know unless they want you to know. Some are experts at hiding it. Even if you know, you can't fix them. You most definitely can not tell them how to get better. Even if you think you understand; YOU DO NOT! Depression affects over 300 million people around the world. I am one of them.
I have battled with depression from an early age. If I try to pinpoint when it first began, I would have to say it was in elementary school. I remember walking to school and wondering if I died who would come to my funeral. I spent time thinking about who would cry, or if anyone would even care. I realize now I became obsessed with the thought, but not enough to ever talk to anyone about it.
While my experimentation was short-lived, my reckless behavior was not. I was only happy when I was out all night long drinking and dancing. When I wasn’t out, I would wonder what my friends were doing? Were they having fun without me? Why didn’t they call me? Did I do something wrong? Did they even like me anymore? I couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head that they were having fun without me and talking about me behind my back. It was an awful dark and sad place to be. Yet, it was a place I couldn’t help but go to. I wish I could say that this behavior has passed, but sometimes it rears its ugly head.
I opened my medicine cabinet a million times and thought of all the ways I could make the pain go away. Thank God my mind always convinced me I wouldn’t do it right. In my mind, I always ended up hospitalized or incapacitated, but the demons were still there. I would become a burden on my loved ones and leave them in a constant state of worry. My love for others has always pulled me from the darkest places.
Every breakup was crushing for me. Even when I didn’t even like them that much. I would stay in bed for days on end. I cried until there were no tears left. All the while obsessing about what my ex was doing. I believed that it was better to be in a bad relationship than to be alone. I stopped chasing losers and found relationships with stability, loyalty and love.
If you or someone you know is suffering, you are not alone. Please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.