The Fight of My Life.
**Before I get to the main blog I want to say this is a very
personal blog that I wasn't sure I would ever publish. I thought that if
I ever did, it would need to be the right time. In light of the current
situation in our world, I feel that now might be the right time. I also
want to say that this blog deals with my battle with depression, and that might
be a trigger for some. If you feel it might be upsetting to you, please
stop reading. Take care of yourself both physically and mentally, and know that
there is help only a phone call away.**
It's a silent disease. People you know have it and you may be unaware. You do not always know unless they want you to know. Some are experts at hiding it. Even if you know, you can't fix them. You most definitely can not tell them how to get better. Even if you think you understand; YOU DO NOT! Depression affects over 300 million people around the world. I am one of them.
I have battled with depression from an early age. If I
try to pinpoint when it first began, I would have to say it was in elementary
school. I remember walking to school and wondering if I died who would
come to my funeral. I spent time thinking about who would cry, or if
anyone would even care. I realize now I became obsessed with the thought,
but not enough to ever talk to anyone about it.
My high school years were filled with typical
teenage angst. I was not unpopular, but I wasn’t super popular
either. I seemed to fit in with a wide array of people, so that was a
bonus. I wasn’t a big joiner, but I did do a few things. I now wish
that I would have done more during my high school experience. I will say
that my high school years were not without tears. I definitely felt
things on a deeper level than most of my friends. I remember going to the
doctor because I was sleeping so much and it worried my mother. After
some blood work my doctor declared I was fine. I was a teenager who
wasn’t getting enough sleep. Looking back now I know that my constant
exhaustion went along with my depression. I went to dances, football
games, and even teen nightclubs. I did all the fun stuff teenagers
did. I had a lot of boyfriends. Some were super nice and others were
assholes. Unfortunately, I never felt worthy of the nice guys, and I
often felt like I deserved how the assholes treated me. I felt worthless
and unworthy of love. I often felt no matter what I did, it was never
good enough. Because I felt I wasn’t enough, I sought out attention in
the wrong ways. I allowed people to use and mistreat me; in hopes that would
make me worthy of love. Makes sense right? It made me fun, but no
more worthy of love. This behavior continued after high school. But I
compounded it with drinking and occasional drug use. I’m not saying that
I didn’t drink or try any drugs in high school. After high school the frequency
definitely increased. As addiction runs in my family, these were
definitely risky choices. At the end of the day, I came out of that stage
without addiction. Many of my friends were not as lucky.
While my experimentation was short-lived, my
reckless behavior was not. I was only happy when I was out all night long
drinking and dancing. When I wasn’t out, I would wonder what my friends
were doing? Were they having fun without me? Why didn’t they call
me? Did I do something wrong? Did they even like me anymore? I
couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head that they were having fun without me
and talking about me behind my back. It was an awful dark and sad place
to be. Yet, it was a place I couldn’t help but go to. I wish I
could say that this behavior has passed, but sometimes it rears its ugly
head.
I opened my medicine cabinet a million times
and thought of all the ways I could make the pain go away. Thank God my
mind always convinced me I wouldn’t do it right. In my mind, I always
ended up hospitalized or incapacitated, but the demons were still there.
I would become a burden on my loved ones and leave them in a constant state of
worry. My love for others has always pulled me from the darkest
places.
Every breakup was crushing for me.
Even when I didn’t even like them that much. I would stay in bed for days
on end. I cried until there were no tears left. All the while
obsessing about what my ex was doing. I believed that it was better to be
in a bad relationship than to be alone. I stopped chasing losers and
found relationships with stability, loyalty and love.
And here I am in the present. I’m
married and have two amazing and beautiful children. But my sadness
didn’t end when they joined this world. I can look at them and be in awe
of these perfect beings I am blessed with. My heart is so full that it
could burst, and yet I can still be sad. That’s when it hurts the most.
How can I be anything but happy with all the gifts I have? Then
everything inside me screams that I am a terrible mother and that they deserve
better. How can I be what they need when I’m feeling this way? They
deserve a mom who can look at them without ever being sad. They deserve a
mom who gets out of bed every day because she wants to, not because she has
to. I have great days, and I have good days. When I have a bad day,
it is bad. Throw some terrible days in the mix, and you have a whole
myriad of emotions. They have seen me in these moods, and it is
unfair. They shouldn’t have to ask me why I am sad, I should be asking
them. Another reason why I often think they deserve a better
mother. But they love me unconditionally, moods and all. That
unconditional love is the greatest love I have ever felt. Most days that
love is enough. My kids laughs, smiles, and bad jokes are enough.
Those hugs and kisses are the best things in the world!! Unfortunately,
there are still bad days. Days where I am surrounded by all the people I
love the most and still feel alone. Those days are the hardest. My
heart wonders how I can be surrounded by love but be so miserable.
I may never know the answer to that.
There are many things I may never understand about myself. I know that I
still get depressed, but I no longer cope with it in destructive ways. I
cry and I might withdraw, but I no longer wonder if the world would be better
off without me. I don’t look for things in my medicine cabinet to ease my
pain anymore. I just push through. I have lost friends to this
disease because they couldn’t fight any longer. I don’t fault them
because their darkness and pain became too great of a burden for them to
bear. They left behind people who love them, who miss them, and who will
grieve eternally. Not a day passes that I don’t miss my dear friend and
wished that I could have helped her.
One thing I know for sure is that sometimes
the ones that seem the happiest are the ones that hurt the most. Check on
your friends and family. They might be suffering in silence. Their
burden may become too much to bear. Your act of kindness, your shoulder,
your conversation might be the light in someone’s darkness.
I posted this now because people who suffer
from anxiety and depression, and even those who don’t might find this quarantine
to be more than they can handle. Reach out to someone each day and
connect with them. Now is a great time to reconnect with someone you have
lost touch with. April is National Month of Hope, now more than ever people
around the world need hope. Let’s reach out and spread a little sunshine into
the world.
If you or someone you know is
suffering, you are not alone. Please reach out to the National Suicide
Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit the National Suicide Prevention
Lifeline.
I feel this so deeply. It all makes so much sense in so many ways. I feel like you are speaking from me. I am so glad you have been a part of my life. I feel that as we got older and things happened we were distanced. I do wish it was all different but I do want you to know I will always be glad I still have a piece of you in my life. I want nothing more than the best for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteGood job on this article! I really like how you presented your facts and how you made it interesting and easy to understand. Thank you.
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I totally agree with you on checking on people from time too time. Also smiling and looking happy doesn't mean we don't have our struggles. I want to commend your courage in sharing this post, you're so brave and thank you for sharing because this will help and encourage a lot of people.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, heal you, and protect you and your family.
Yes so important to check in on those close to us during these anxious times. Great article!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. Depression can be hard for everyone involved. That is so brave of you to be honest with your struggle to help others!
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so open & honest regarding your struggles with anxiety & depression. I know many can relate, especially right now, with everything going on. You have a beautiful story to share & I'm so happy you decided to do so! Take care!
ReplyDelete-Madi xo | http://www.everydaywithmadirae.com
This is definitely tough and so true. Most mental health diseases and disorders are invisible to the human eye and thus most people think they are made up . Because if you can't see it or post on facebook, does it even exist. And being depressed doesn't mean you can't function at all. And you may put a smile on your face but feel dead inside. It's rough.
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